Sunday, 26 June 2011

The one with the crazy child and the zebra

The best bit about this blog post is that I'm sat outside in my back garden typing it. Even though it's half past 7 right now. The sun is still out and it's 27 degrees. Happy days. All I need now is bbq food and a handsome Phillipino waiter to serve it to me. I'll probably just stick to a Pot Noodle though.

As per usual, the last couple have days haven't been overly exciting. Friday afternoon, I took Grace to the school's summer fair. They're trying to raise some cash after a load of gypos (or whoever, I'm not sure "gypos" is politically correct) stole the school bell off the roof in the half term holidays. Yes, that is the kind of town I live in. Anyway, as soon as we walked in, she spotted the bouncy castle. For the next twenty minutes all I heard was "I want to go on the bouncy castle, take me on the bouncy castle." So I took her to the bouncy castle, paid for her to go on, she climbed up and immediately climbed back off and ran away. Apparently it was "too scary and made too much noise." Such a wimp. She then went to look at the toy stall. There was allsorts there. Books, toys, teddy bears, even bikes. What did she pick? A toy caravan. Which she will not let anybody play with at all now. I do wonder where I picked this one up from.

Saturday wasn't particularly eventful either (God, I need to get a hobby or something) We stayed in and made some cakes and then my auntie and uncle called in and Grace went mental because my uncle kept giving her blue Smarties. Pretty much just watched TV and went to bed. Hardcore Saturday night yeah.

Today my child was carted off by her father so I've had the day to myself. Went to the beach with some friendios and watched some guys super failing at parachuting. Everytime the wind picked up and the parachute lifted off the ground, they freaked out and brought it back down again. Although I'm pretty sure that they're meant to lift up. Boredom took over when we realised no death defying stunts would be made and, in the 27 degree heat, we went walking along the common. Then we went to eat (I finally tasted the new Raspberry Kopparburg so I can now die happy) and then went to get ice cream and now here I am. Not very elaborate on today's events. But that was it in a nutshell. Although Grace informed me before that when she's on her way home with her dad they sing "we don't want to go home." Nice. Corrupt my child will you?!

Raspberry Kopparburg equals SEXUAL

It's Grace's birthday next week (she's going to be 3... what?!) and I still haven't bought her anything or even organised a party. Bad mother award goes to me. But y'know. What do you get a kid who has everything? She's spoilt beyond belief. But I can't help it, she's so cute. I was thinking roller skates then I remembered she is the clumsiest child known to man. She always trips and falls over on the way back from playschool, she's always too busy pretending to be a train or a bird or something and she doesn't pay attention to actually walking. So I think skates is a bad idea. I thought about a goldfish but then I remembered she is slightly satanic when it comes to animals (she tortured a kitten we had last year so much that I had to give him away. When I say tortured, I don't mean proper torture, she was only 2. She would just pick him up by his tail and walk around with him casually) plus I would be the one who ended up cleaning it out all the time. And I hate fish. She has everything else. I kind of want to get her some Lego so I can play with it but she'd just eat it.

But anyway, I should probably go in because not only has my favourite comedy has just started on National Geographic (you may have seen it, it's called 2012: The Final Prophecy) but I'm currently being eaten alive by mosquitos who have started to crowd around me as if  they're hyenas and I'm one of those dead zebras you see just lying in the desert. Not "just see" as if you just pass them casually every day. But you know what I mean. Yeah, either way, that was a long winded way of saying I'm done writing.

Au Revoir

Oh and this is me. In a den. Yeah, I'm that awesome.

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